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Friday, July 10, 2009

Baby Factory 2

Dear Advisor,
I have a similar problem to another one of your readers, apparently. I
also keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I'm a man, and a
eunuch at that. How is this happening? I've narrowed it down to a few
1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I
must be having virgin births.
2. Buttplugs turn into babies.
3. This is all a dream!
Lip my stockings,
Baby factory

Dear Factory,
Are you sure that you're actually a man? Do you remember when you became a eunuch? The reason I ask these probing questions is that I suspect you may actually be a really ugly chick.
Here's what you should do: Look deep inside your soul, and ask yourself if maybe you've been living a lie. Maybe what you think is your asshole is actually a vagina? And, maybe that cucumber you keep in your pocket isn't actually a penis? Just think about it for a while. In the meantime, I would recommend that you get one of these ASAP. It could only help. Seriously.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Baby Factory

Dear Advisor,
I keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities:
1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I must be having virgin births.
2. Tampons turn into babies.
3. This is all a dream!
Pinch me,
Baby factory

Dear Baby Factory,
It IS all a dream! I'm surprised that wasn't possibility #1. Do you by any chance live in Oklahoma?

Here's what you should do: Keep popping those fuckers out. There are a lot of rich, baby-less yuppies out there who would be glad to pay for your "medical expenses", and take the babies off your hands. That way, you won't have to modify your own behavior in any way, which should be easy enough for you. Too much work? Then I suggest you stop giving it up like Jessica's mom at a sailor convention.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Under the Influence

Dear Knower of Knowledge,
I keep getting DUI's. How can I have this strange "No drinking and driving" rule not apply to me? Please respond before I get my 12th... er... 15th!
Swerving out of control,
Can't See Straight

Dear Can't See Straight,
Here's what you should do: Every time you feel like drinking, just drink until you pass out. Then you won't have to worry about driving. You might die, but at least you won't have to pay any more outrageous tickets.

Another option is to drive so fast that the cops won't be able to catch you to give you a DUI. Whenever you see flashing blue lights, just hit the gas! (CAUTION: This may also cause you to die)

Monday, May 11, 2009

Just Like Herding Cats

Oh Wise Sage,

Without going into specifics, my hobby involves bossing a bunch of vaginas around.
I want to be classified as "really good at bossing vaginas around" but when I should have been impressing people with my skills, I instead had an off night and gave a not so great first impression to some really important people who have the authority to grant me that designation.

I need to prove to everyone how awesome I am, and I don't have a lot of time to do it. What should I do?

Dear Unnamed Vaginal Wrangler,
Perhaps you just need more vagina-bossing practice? Here's what you should do: Gather as many vaginas as you can find in a non-stressful environment such as a backyard barbecue or beach party. Then, try bossing them around. It will take you some time to become comfortable with this, as vaginas typically prefer to do the bossing around, but keep trying, and eventually it will become second nature to you. Only when you are confident should you try to boss vaginas around the afore-mentioned authorities. They will see that your skills have improved significantly, and surely you'll receive your coveted designation.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Dear AdViceroy,
I will soon be departing for France, but I don't speak Portuguese. How can I communicate with these fair and hearty South-East Asian people? My plane leaves for Africa any minute now! Help!
Nervously Biting my Nails,
Nervously Biting my Nails

Dear Biting,
Here's what you should do: Go to this page. On the left-hand side is a list of all the foreign languages available. Buy one of each, and learn how to say "I'm an American idiot" in every one of those languages. Then go wherever it is that you think you're going.
I'm sure you'll have no problem making yourself understood no matter where you end up.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Dear Adviceary,

My friend, the Arab, looks like a Sasquatch. What should I do? Also
his camel has fangs.

~Scared and hiding in the backwoods

Dear Scared,
I believe your friend, the "Arab", is only posing as an Arab so that you will not suspect that he is, in fact, a Sasquatch. Here's what you should do: get in touch with these people. Perhaps they can come out to meet your friend, make a cast of his foot, or maybe make a life-size statue of him. In any case, you shouldn't be afraid, because everyone except Teddy Roosevelt thinks that Sasquatches are perfectly harmless.
However, I'm afraid that your friend's camel may be el chupacabra, which is highly dangerous. If this is the case (and, for my amusement, I hope it is), I suggest you not get too close to the creature, because it will suck out every last drop of blood from your veins. Perhaps your "Arab" friend can protect you?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Into the Sunset

Dear Adviser of the Advice,
I cannot seem to find San Antonio on my map of the great state of Arizona. Nor can I find Miami in New Mexico. How will I ever take my trip to these summer hot spots? Help!
Bred in Oklahoma

Dear Bred,
Here's what you should do: Discard your map, because that's way over your head. Get in your car. Drive in the direction of the setting sun (that's in the afternoon to evening hours). When the sun is not setting, like at night or in the morning, don't drive anywhere. Continue this daily until there is an ocean in front of you (it looks like the biggest puddle you have ever seen). Then, wander out into the water, dunk your head under, and breathe it in deeply 10-20 times. I promise that you will never look for another vacation spot.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Mutation Vacation

Dear awesome advice lady,
First off I think your blog just might save the human race. Secondly I have a predicament. I have been living in this awful place known as Oklahoma for the past 5 months, and have realized that the people here are not only stupid but are breeders. Therefore they are breeding more idiots into our society. I don't necessarily want them all to die but can you think of a way to sterilize this state so they can no longer spawn. With the world being over populated already I think it unfair for these idiots to be overcrowding it with morons.
Please Help!
Surrounded by idiots

Dear Surrounded,
While I am not versed in mass-sterilization techniques, I do have some advice for your situation. Here's what you should do: Actually, here are 3 things you should do:
#1. Have sex with as many backwoods, rural, Oklahoman men (I assume you are a lady, but if you are a gentleman, please ignore this advice and move on to advice point #2) as possible, so that you will insert your non-idiot genes into the local gene pool. This may help with the overall intelligence level of the next generation, but unless you convince these people to stop impregnating their own daughters/sisters/mothers, this will only be a stop-gap measure.
#2. Kick every man you meet in the balls, thereby making their nether regions so uncomfortable that any idea of sex, even with their beloved favorite daughter/sister/mother will be unsavory.
#3. Move the hell away from there, and never speak of it again.

Edit: It has just occurred to this advisor that her significant other is a native of the great state of Oklahoma, and she would like to point out that roses can, indeed, grow in shit (or so I am told).

Blue Collar Slut

Dear Advice Individual,
I've been getting many a cat call recently, but I'm not dressed all-sexy-like. It always happens when I'm in my work shirt and pants, going to work at the "Spread & Easy" (Butter Factory). Are work shirts in these days? What should I do?
NOT A (total) SLUT!

Dear (total) Slut,
Here's what you should do: Put on actual pants. Ass-less chaps are NOT pants.

Also, yes, work shirts are in right now. This is one of the signs of the slowing economy, and may also explain some of the uninvited come-ons that you've received recently. Apparently, jobless men that hang around outside butter factories are turned on by any sign of a job, including the work shirt. Perhaps you should bring your work uniform with you to work and change there?

Monday, April 27, 2009

My Mind is My Enema

Dear Advice Person,
My friend told me about butt leakage, and how terrifying it is. So naturally, I took the initiative to prevent such a traumatic experience. If there is nothing in your butt, there is nothing to leak our, right? Right? So I came to the conclusion: enemas make things in your butt disappear. I took about a half dozen before work, and daintily skipped off to my investment firm, confident in my anal cavity's cavernous state.
Much to my dismay, as I was making fun of the mail boy's lack of sufficient breeding, I noticed a wetness that was... intimidating. It started small, but turned into a veritable Niagara. In an effort to prevent this from happening ever again, I've been taking countless enemas, but the butt leakage is stronger than the enemas' magic. what can I do?
Keeping it tight

Dear Keeping it Tight,
That's gross. Here's what you should do: Forget the enemas, and invest in one of these, thereby preventing fecal matter from entering the lower portion of your colon at all. Granted, you're going to have to strap a crap-bag to your abdomen, but you can't win 'em all, right?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Mother is a Whore

Dear Advice Giver,

My mother is a whore. She spends more time with the rest of Greater
Davidson County and Surrounding Areas than she does with me. That
makes me sad. What should I do to get her to pay more attention to me?

Sad and Unloved in What Channel 4 Calls Either the "Donelson Area" or
"Antioch", Neither of Which is Correct

Dear Sad and Unloved,
Here's what you should do: While your mother sleeps, suction the gas out of her car, and the money out of her wallet. That way, when she wakes up, she will not be able to go a-whoring. At first, this may cause more trouble in your relationship, but eventually she will resign herself to the fact that you have ultimate power, both gas- and money-related. Soon, she will conform to your will unquestioningly, and your sadness and her recurring crabs will disappear.

How it Works

Here's how it works:
You e-mail me a question ( about anything in your life. If I'm able and/or willing, I will answer that question on this blog. You should know I have no training except my own experiences and my over-analytical mind. You should also know that I refuse to take responsibility for your actions, even if I tell you that's what you should do.

I am waiting (as) patiently (as I can) for your questions.