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Friday, February 25, 2011

Poor Dog...

Dear Keeper of the Knowledge,
I've decided that, in order to be more glamorous like many of Hollywood's Starlets, I'm going to adopt a baby... er... dog. But which color should I go for? I need an expensive, exotic one, but it also needs to go with my outfits. What shade of baby-colored dog is in for the Spring Season? Also, are there steam-punk or vintage options? March is approaching! Help!

Always In (Sincere),

Yuppie Needing a Baby Puppy!

Dear Yuppie,
You truly are a special little snowflake, aren't you? I picture you strolling down the street in your jeggings, fuzzy boots, and an ironically over-sized t-shirt (which you call a tunic because you put a belt over it). The only thing missing in your life is something that will adore you as much as you do. Kudos on recognizing that you need a dog, although I assume that this epiphany struck you only after a long series of failed relationships, wherein you completely mind- and soul-fucked your hapless prey, forever ruining their self-esteem and probably their 401K's.

Before we decide what kind of puppy you should get, let's talk accessories! Since you're such a fucking hipster, you'll want to buy all these items from equally douche-baggy proprietors, and, more importantly, you'll want to make sure that your items are as unique and special as you are! I can tell you can see where I am going with this, but for all the unenlightened folk, here's what you should do: shop at Etsy! It is the perfect marketplace for you to find completely useless items for your pet, such as a bow tie, a top hat, or, god help me, something called a belly band. Once you have completed your purchases, I want you to ask yourself this: Do I, Yuppie McHipsterpants, really want to devote the time and energy that a dog requires? Will I really get up early in the morning every day to feed this thing and clean its crap off my floor? More importantly, how fucking cute will I look carrying it around in a GODDAMN SLING?!

Ah, I see you have decided that you do indeed want a dog, and, you've already bought all the necessary items! I have a few for you to choose from per your stringent standards. Please indulge me:

For all your exotic needs, please consider Rex. He is a free spirit who loves long walks on the beach. Too pedestrian for your needs? Then may I present Loretta. Loretta has a unique genetic profile which allows her to poop colorful egg-shaped pods containing candy! Her natural hot pink crown may not match your outfits, however, so you might like Bugsy, who, due to his shiny black coat, should match your dungeon leather beautifully. For your steampunk needs, please consider Kibbles, who has promised me that he will not pee in your expensive new Uggs. Finally, I have found a vintage dog for you. Her name is Mrs. Paisley, and she thinks you should straighten up your room and wash up before supper.

Well, Yuppie, I hope that I have helped you decide on your new companion, and, if I haven't, you can go straight to hell, whence you and your hipster hordes emerged, burning and pillaging your way across the land.