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Friday, February 25, 2011

Poor Dog...

Dear Keeper of the Knowledge,
I've decided that, in order to be more glamorous like many of Hollywood's Starlets, I'm going to adopt a baby... er... dog. But which color should I go for? I need an expensive, exotic one, but it also needs to go with my outfits. What shade of baby-colored dog is in for the Spring Season? Also, are there steam-punk or vintage options? March is approaching! Help!

Always In (Sincere),

Yuppie Needing a Baby Puppy!

Dear Yuppie,
You truly are a special little snowflake, aren't you? I picture you strolling down the street in your jeggings, fuzzy boots, and an ironically over-sized t-shirt (which you call a tunic because you put a belt over it). The only thing missing in your life is something that will adore you as much as you do. Kudos on recognizing that you need a dog, although I assume that this epiphany struck you only after a long series of failed relationships, wherein you completely mind- and soul-fucked your hapless prey, forever ruining their self-esteem and probably their 401K's.

Before we decide what kind of puppy you should get, let's talk accessories! Since you're such a fucking hipster, you'll want to buy all these items from equally douche-baggy proprietors, and, more importantly, you'll want to make sure that your items are as unique and special as you are! I can tell you can see where I am going with this, but for all the unenlightened folk, here's what you should do: shop at Etsy! It is the perfect marketplace for you to find completely useless items for your pet, such as a bow tie, a top hat, or, god help me, something called a belly band. Once you have completed your purchases, I want you to ask yourself this: Do I, Yuppie McHipsterpants, really want to devote the time and energy that a dog requires? Will I really get up early in the morning every day to feed this thing and clean its crap off my floor? More importantly, how fucking cute will I look carrying it around in a GODDAMN SLING?!

Ah, I see you have decided that you do indeed want a dog, and, you've already bought all the necessary items! I have a few for you to choose from per your stringent standards. Please indulge me:

For all your exotic needs, please consider Rex. He is a free spirit who loves long walks on the beach. Too pedestrian for your needs? Then may I present Loretta. Loretta has a unique genetic profile which allows her to poop colorful egg-shaped pods containing candy! Her natural hot pink crown may not match your outfits, however, so you might like Bugsy, who, due to his shiny black coat, should match your dungeon leather beautifully. For your steampunk needs, please consider Kibbles, who has promised me that he will not pee in your expensive new Uggs. Finally, I have found a vintage dog for you. Her name is Mrs. Paisley, and she thinks you should straighten up your room and wash up before supper.

Well, Yuppie, I hope that I have helped you decide on your new companion, and, if I haven't, you can go straight to hell, whence you and your hipster hordes emerged, burning and pillaging your way across the land.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


deer wize won,
i kant spel. halp! and im amariken, not foren! kan u maek me spel gud?
sin... sins... sinseer...
krapy spelr

Dear Crappy,
You are everything that is wrong with this country. Please leave.

If you will not leave, then here's what you should do: become famous, and thereby rich, by being on any reality show. With your mental capacities, I would recommend this one or possibly this one. Once you have achieved your 15 minutes of fame, you will naturally want to spend your new wealth on hookers, or a new car, or as a down payment on an overpriced painting of a cat, but, please, refrain.

Use your riches to hire someone (really, anyone literate) to follow you everywhere you go and do all your reading and writing for you. Just think how much more secure your finances will be when you're no longer signing your checks with an "X"!

Really, though, please leave.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Dream On

Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

I'm afraid I've gotten boring. My dreams are the most humdrum, annoying wastes of time ever. Last night I dreamed about waiting in line to get a parking sticker for school. The night before I dreamed about washing my hair. The night before that I think I dreamed that I went bowling, except that I never got to bowl. Night after night it's the same thing. Short of doing copious amounts of psychedelic drugs, what can I do to spice up my nights? Shit's WEAK.

-The world's worst sleepytime storyteller

Dear Worst Storyteller,
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. According to this bullshit website, your dreams are chock full of meaning and depth. For example, here is their "interpretation" of your dream about waiting in line:

To dream that you are waiting, is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. If you are patient, then you know things will happen at their own pace. If you are impatient, then it means that you are being too demanding or that your expectations are too high.

Fascinating, eh? However, if you really want to have more interesting, vivid, and possibly disturbing dreams, here's what you should do: About 10 minutes before bed, eat a huge steak covered in cheese as fast as you can. Then, do some jumping jacks while thinking about robot unicorns trampling fields of puppies and kittens. Follow this up with a shot of whiskey.
Sweet Dreams!

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Oh Wise One,

How do I know if I'm a hypochondriac?

~Probably dying but possibly not actually dying

Dear Dying,
You're dying! It's time to panic! You're constantly breathing in
bacteria and viruses!

But seriously, here are a few tests to determine whether you are a

1. Do you buy ridiculous products to fix your various imagined diseases?

2. Do you endlessly search the interwebz for diagnoses of your potential

3. Do you spend upwards of $40,000 on hypoallergenic pets just so that
you won't develop a sniffle?

If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, you might just be a
hypochondriac. Here's what you should do:
Come stay at my house for a week. It would be a win/win situation; you
would know what it's like to truly live in filth, and you'd see that any
possible health effects are (probably) a long way off. And I might
possibly convince you to do some of my dishes.

I hope this helps, you freak of nature.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Kung Fool

Dear Dispenser of Discretion,
I tried to use Kung Fu recently, but realized that I didn't have any. What should I do?
Kung Fool

Dear Kung Fool,
I like to think of Kung Fu as more of a state of mind rather than something you can have. Can you have perfect calm and serenity? Can you have an unmitigated desire for kickassery wrought by the very limbs that just the other day caused you to fall down a flight of 2 stairs on your way to walk your tiny dog with a bow in its hair? No! Such is the enigma of Kung Fu. I believe that instead of trying to find and then attain this fighting style, you should first try to prepare your mind to receive the wisdom of the... something.
So... here's what you should do: First, find some sort of calming natural space, such as a meadow, or a waterfall, or a mountain or whatever. Then, sit with your legs crossed and eyes closed for several hours until your ancestors appear with some insight about why you should learn to fight (it will probably be something about avenging your father, or grandfather, or, like, dentist). After your meditation, you should find a really old Chinese or possibly Japanese man, preferably one who runs an old antique shop. There you will find an adorable, furry creature that you must take care of, but make sure to never get water on it or... Wait, that's the wrong movie.
After meeting the old man, you should do some chores for him, such as washing his car and painting his fence. Eventually, if you do these chores well and without too much complaining, he will teach you the secrets of Kung Fu, and then you can use it whenever you want, because it will be ALL YOURS, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ahem.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Baby Factory 2

Dear Advisor,
I have a similar problem to another one of your readers, apparently. I
also keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I'm a man, and a
eunuch at that. How is this happening? I've narrowed it down to a few
1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I
must be having virgin births.
2. Buttplugs turn into babies.
3. This is all a dream!
Lip my stockings,
Baby factory

Dear Factory,
Are you sure that you're actually a man? Do you remember when you became a eunuch? The reason I ask these probing questions is that I suspect you may actually be a really ugly chick.
Here's what you should do: Look deep inside your soul, and ask yourself if maybe you've been living a lie. Maybe what you think is your asshole is actually a vagina? And, maybe that cucumber you keep in your pocket isn't actually a penis? Just think about it for a while. In the meantime, I would recommend that you get one of these ASAP. It could only help. Seriously.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Baby Factory

Dear Advisor,
I keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities:
1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I must be having virgin births.
2. Tampons turn into babies.
3. This is all a dream!
Pinch me,
Baby factory

Dear Baby Factory,
It IS all a dream! I'm surprised that wasn't possibility #1. Do you by any chance live in Oklahoma?

Here's what you should do: Keep popping those fuckers out. There are a lot of rich, baby-less yuppies out there who would be glad to pay for your "medical expenses", and take the babies off your hands. That way, you won't have to modify your own behavior in any way, which should be easy enough for you. Too much work? Then I suggest you stop giving it up like Jessica's mom at a sailor convention.