Send your questions to!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


deer wize won,
i kant spel. halp! and im amariken, not foren! kan u maek me spel gud?
sin... sins... sinseer...
krapy spelr

Dear Crappy,
You are everything that is wrong with this country. Please leave.

If you will not leave, then here's what you should do: become famous, and thereby rich, by being on any reality show. With your mental capacities, I would recommend this one or possibly this one. Once you have achieved your 15 minutes of fame, you will naturally want to spend your new wealth on hookers, or a new car, or as a down payment on an overpriced painting of a cat, but, please, refrain.

Use your riches to hire someone (really, anyone literate) to follow you everywhere you go and do all your reading and writing for you. Just think how much more secure your finances will be when you're no longer signing your checks with an "X"!

Really, though, please leave.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Dream On

Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

I'm afraid I've gotten boring. My dreams are the most humdrum, annoying wastes of time ever. Last night I dreamed about waiting in line to get a parking sticker for school. The night before I dreamed about washing my hair. The night before that I think I dreamed that I went bowling, except that I never got to bowl. Night after night it's the same thing. Short of doing copious amounts of psychedelic drugs, what can I do to spice up my nights? Shit's WEAK.

-The world's worst sleepytime storyteller

Dear Worst Storyteller,
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. According to this bullshit website, your dreams are chock full of meaning and depth. For example, here is their "interpretation" of your dream about waiting in line:

To dream that you are waiting, is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. If you are patient, then you know things will happen at their own pace. If you are impatient, then it means that you are being too demanding or that your expectations are too high.

Fascinating, eh? However, if you really want to have more interesting, vivid, and possibly disturbing dreams, here's what you should do: About 10 minutes before bed, eat a huge steak covered in cheese as fast as you can. Then, do some jumping jacks while thinking about robot unicorns trampling fields of puppies and kittens. Follow this up with a shot of whiskey.
Sweet Dreams!

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Oh Wise One,

How do I know if I'm a hypochondriac?

~Probably dying but possibly not actually dying

Dear Dying,
You're dying! It's time to panic! You're constantly breathing in
bacteria and viruses!

But seriously, here are a few tests to determine whether you are a

1. Do you buy ridiculous products to fix your various imagined diseases?

2. Do you endlessly search the interwebz for diagnoses of your potential

3. Do you spend upwards of $40,000 on hypoallergenic pets just so that
you won't develop a sniffle?

If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, you might just be a
hypochondriac. Here's what you should do:
Come stay at my house for a week. It would be a win/win situation; you
would know what it's like to truly live in filth, and you'd see that any
possible health effects are (probably) a long way off. And I might
possibly convince you to do some of my dishes.

I hope this helps, you freak of nature.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Kung Fool

Dear Dispenser of Discretion,
I tried to use Kung Fu recently, but realized that I didn't have any. What should I do?
Kung Fool

Dear Kung Fool,
I like to think of Kung Fu as more of a state of mind rather than something you can have. Can you have perfect calm and serenity? Can you have an unmitigated desire for kickassery wrought by the very limbs that just the other day caused you to fall down a flight of 2 stairs on your way to walk your tiny dog with a bow in its hair? No! Such is the enigma of Kung Fu. I believe that instead of trying to find and then attain this fighting style, you should first try to prepare your mind to receive the wisdom of the... something.
So... here's what you should do: First, find some sort of calming natural space, such as a meadow, or a waterfall, or a mountain or whatever. Then, sit with your legs crossed and eyes closed for several hours until your ancestors appear with some insight about why you should learn to fight (it will probably be something about avenging your father, or grandfather, or, like, dentist). After your meditation, you should find a really old Chinese or possibly Japanese man, preferably one who runs an old antique shop. There you will find an adorable, furry creature that you must take care of, but make sure to never get water on it or... Wait, that's the wrong movie.
After meeting the old man, you should do some chores for him, such as washing his car and painting his fence. Eventually, if you do these chores well and without too much complaining, he will teach you the secrets of Kung Fu, and then you can use it whenever you want, because it will be ALL YOURS, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ahem.