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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Under the Influence

Dear Knower of Knowledge,
I keep getting DUI's. How can I have this strange "No drinking and driving" rule not apply to me? Please respond before I get my 12th... er... 15th!
Swerving out of control,
Can't See Straight

Dear Can't See Straight,
Here's what you should do: Every time you feel like drinking, just drink until you pass out. Then you won't have to worry about driving. You might die, but at least you won't have to pay any more outrageous tickets.

Another option is to drive so fast that the cops won't be able to catch you to give you a DUI. Whenever you see flashing blue lights, just hit the gas! (CAUTION: This may also cause you to die)

Monday, May 11, 2009

Just Like Herding Cats

Oh Wise Sage,

Without going into specifics, my hobby involves bossing a bunch of vaginas around.
I want to be classified as "really good at bossing vaginas around" but when I should have been impressing people with my skills, I instead had an off night and gave a not so great first impression to some really important people who have the authority to grant me that designation.

I need to prove to everyone how awesome I am, and I don't have a lot of time to do it. What should I do?

Dear Unnamed Vaginal Wrangler,
Perhaps you just need more vagina-bossing practice? Here's what you should do: Gather as many vaginas as you can find in a non-stressful environment such as a backyard barbecue or beach party. Then, try bossing them around. It will take you some time to become comfortable with this, as vaginas typically prefer to do the bossing around, but keep trying, and eventually it will become second nature to you. Only when you are confident should you try to boss vaginas around the afore-mentioned authorities. They will see that your skills have improved significantly, and surely you'll receive your coveted designation.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Dear AdViceroy,
I will soon be departing for France, but I don't speak Portuguese. How can I communicate with these fair and hearty South-East Asian people? My plane leaves for Africa any minute now! Help!
Nervously Biting my Nails,
Nervously Biting my Nails

Dear Biting,
Here's what you should do: Go to this page. On the left-hand side is a list of all the foreign languages available. Buy one of each, and learn how to say "I'm an American idiot" in every one of those languages. Then go wherever it is that you think you're going.
I'm sure you'll have no problem making yourself understood no matter where you end up.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Dear Adviceary,

My friend, the Arab, looks like a Sasquatch. What should I do? Also
his camel has fangs.

~Scared and hiding in the backwoods

Dear Scared,
I believe your friend, the "Arab", is only posing as an Arab so that you will not suspect that he is, in fact, a Sasquatch. Here's what you should do: get in touch with these people. Perhaps they can come out to meet your friend, make a cast of his foot, or maybe make a life-size statue of him. In any case, you shouldn't be afraid, because everyone except Teddy Roosevelt thinks that Sasquatches are perfectly harmless.
However, I'm afraid that your friend's camel may be el chupacabra, which is highly dangerous. If this is the case (and, for my amusement, I hope it is), I suggest you not get too close to the creature, because it will suck out every last drop of blood from your veins. Perhaps your "Arab" friend can protect you?