Send your questions to!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


deer wize won,
i kant spel. halp! and im amariken, not foren! kan u maek me spel gud?
sin... sins... sinseer...
krapy spelr

Dear Crappy,
You are everything that is wrong with this country. Please leave.

If you will not leave, then here's what you should do: become famous, and thereby rich, by being on any reality show. With your mental capacities, I would recommend this one or possibly this one. Once you have achieved your 15 minutes of fame, you will naturally want to spend your new wealth on hookers, or a new car, or as a down payment on an overpriced painting of a cat, but, please, refrain.

Use your riches to hire someone (really, anyone literate) to follow you everywhere you go and do all your reading and writing for you. Just think how much more secure your finances will be when you're no longer signing your checks with an "X"!

Really, though, please leave.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Dream On

Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

I'm afraid I've gotten boring. My dreams are the most humdrum, annoying wastes of time ever. Last night I dreamed about waiting in line to get a parking sticker for school. The night before I dreamed about washing my hair. The night before that I think I dreamed that I went bowling, except that I never got to bowl. Night after night it's the same thing. Short of doing copious amounts of psychedelic drugs, what can I do to spice up my nights? Shit's WEAK.

-The world's worst sleepytime storyteller

Dear Worst Storyteller,
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. According to this bullshit website, your dreams are chock full of meaning and depth. For example, here is their "interpretation" of your dream about waiting in line:

To dream that you are waiting, is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. If you are patient, then you know things will happen at their own pace. If you are impatient, then it means that you are being too demanding or that your expectations are too high.

Fascinating, eh? However, if you really want to have more interesting, vivid, and possibly disturbing dreams, here's what you should do: About 10 minutes before bed, eat a huge steak covered in cheese as fast as you can. Then, do some jumping jacks while thinking about robot unicorns trampling fields of puppies and kittens. Follow this up with a shot of whiskey.
Sweet Dreams!