Mother is a Whore

Dear Advice Giver,

My mother is a whore. She spends more time with the rest of Greater
Davidson County and Surrounding Areas than she does with me. That
makes me sad. What should I do to get her to pay more attention to me?

Sigh,
Sad and Unloved in What Channel 4 Calls Either the "Donelson Area" or
"Antioch", Neither of Which is Correct

Dear Sad and Unloved,
Here's what you should do: While your mother sleeps, suction the gas out of her car, and the money out of her wallet. That way, when she wakes up, she will not be able to go a-whoring. At first, this may cause more trouble in your relationship, but eventually she will resign herself to the fact that you have ultimate power, both gas- and money-related. Soon, she will conform to your will unquestioningly, and your sadness and her recurring crabs will disappear.