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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Kung Fool

Dear Dispenser of Discretion,
I tried to use Kung Fu recently, but realized that I didn't have any. What should I do?
Kung Fool

Dear Kung Fool,
I like to think of Kung Fu as more of a state of mind rather than something you can have. Can you have perfect calm and serenity? Can you have an unmitigated desire for kickassery wrought by the very limbs that just the other day caused you to fall down a flight of 2 stairs on your way to walk your tiny dog with a bow in its hair? No! Such is the enigma of Kung Fu. I believe that instead of trying to find and then attain this fighting style, you should first try to prepare your mind to receive the wisdom of the... something.
So... here's what you should do: First, find some sort of calming natural space, such as a meadow, or a waterfall, or a mountain or whatever. Then, sit with your legs crossed and eyes closed for several hours until your ancestors appear with some insight about why you should learn to fight (it will probably be something about avenging your father, or grandfather, or, like, dentist). After your meditation, you should find a really old Chinese or possibly Japanese man, preferably one who runs an old antique shop. There you will find an adorable, furry creature that you must take care of, but make sure to never get water on it or... Wait, that's the wrong movie.
After meeting the old man, you should do some chores for him, such as washing his car and painting his fence. Eventually, if you do these chores well and without too much complaining, he will teach you the secrets of Kung Fu, and then you can use it whenever you want, because it will be ALL YOURS, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ahem.