Baby Factory 2

Dear Advisor,
I have a similar problem to another one of your readers, apparently. I
also keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I'm a man, and a
eunuch at that. How is this happening? I've narrowed it down to a few
possibilities:
1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I
must be having virgin births.
2. Buttplugs turn into babies.
3. This is all a dream!
Lip my stockings,
Baby factory


Dear Factory,
Are you sure that you're actually a man? Do you remember when you became a eunuch? The reason I ask these probing questions is that I suspect you may actually be a really ugly chick.
Here's what you should do: Look deep inside your soul, and ask yourself if maybe you've been living a lie. Maybe what you think is your asshole is actually a vagina? And, maybe that cucumber you keep in your pocket isn't actually a penis? Just think about it for a while. In the meantime, I would recommend that you get one of these ASAP. It could only help. Seriously.

Baby Factory

Dear Advisor,
I keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities:

1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I must be having virgin births.

2. Tampons turn into babies.

3. This is all a dream!

Pinch me,

Baby factory

Dear Baby Factory,
It IS all a dream! I'm surprised that wasn't possibility #1. Do you by any chance live in Oklahoma?

Here's what you should do: Keep popping those fuckers out. There are a lot of rich, baby-less yuppies out there who would be glad to pay for your "medical expenses", and take the babies off your hands. That way, you won't have to modify your own behavior in any way, which should be easy enough for you. Too much work? Then I suggest you stop giving it up like Jessica's mom at a sailor convention.

Under the Influence

Dear Knower of Knowledge,

I keep getting DUI's. How can I have this strange "No drinking and driving" rule not apply to me? Please respond before I get my 12th... er... 15th!

Swerving out of control,

Can't See Straight

Dear Can't See Straight,
Here's what you should do: Every time you feel like drinking, just drink until you pass out. Then you won't have to worry about driving. You might die, but at least you won't have to pay any more outrageous tickets.
Another option is to drive so fast that the cops won't be able to catch you to give you a DUI. Whenever you see flashing blue lights, just hit the gas! (CAUTION: This may also cause you to die)

Just Like Herding Cats

Oh Wise Sage,

Without going into specifics, my hobby involves bossing a bunch of vaginas around.
I want to be classified as "really good at bossing vaginas around" but when I should have been impressing people with my skills, I instead had an off night and gave a not so great first impression to some really important people who have the authority to grant me that designation.

I need to prove to everyone how awesome I am, and I don't have a lot of time to do it. What should I do?


Dear Unnamed Vaginal Wrangler,
Perhaps you just need more vagina-bossing practice? Here's what you should do: Gather as many vaginas as you can find in a non-stressful environment such as a backyard barbecue or beach party. Then, try bossing them around. It will take you some time to become comfortable with this, as vaginas typically prefer to do the bossing around, but keep trying, and eventually it will become second nature to you. Only when you are confident should you try to boss vaginas around the afore-mentioned authorities. They will see that your skills have improved significantly, and surely you'll receive your coveted designation.

Idiot

Dear AdViceroy,
I will soon be departing for France, but I don't speak Portuguese. How can I communicate with these fair and hearty South-East Asian people? My plane leaves for Africa any minute now! Help!
Nervously Biting my Nails,
Nervously Biting my Nails


Dear Biting,
Here's what you should do: Go to this page. On the left-hand side is a list of all the foreign languages available. Buy one of each, and learn how to say "I'm an American idiot" in every one of those languages. Then go wherever it is that you think you're going. I'm sure you'll have no problem making yourself understood no matter where you end up.

Sasquatch

Dear Adviceary,

My friend, the Arab, looks like a Sasquatch. What should I do? Also
his camel has fangs.

~Scared and hiding in the backwoods


Dear Scared,
I believe your friend, the "Arab", is only posing as an Arab so that you will not suspect that he is, in fact, a Sasquatch. Here's what you should do: get in touch with these people. Perhaps they can come out to meet your friend, make a cast of his foot, or maybe make a life-size statue of him. In any case, you shouldn't be afraid, because everyone except Teddy Roosevelt thinks that Sasquatches are perfectly harmless.
However, I'm afraid that your friend's camel may be el chupacabra, which is highly dangerous. If this is the case (and, for my amusement, I hope it is), I suggest you not get too close to the creature, because it will suck out every last drop of blood from your veins. Perhaps your "Arab" friend can protect you?

Into the Sunset

Dear Adviser of the Advice,
I cannot seem to find San Antonio on my map of the great state of Arizona. Nor can I find Miami in New Mexico. How will I ever take my trip to these summer hot spots? Help!
Lovingly,
Bred in Oklahoma

Dear Bred,
Here's what you should do: Discard your map, because that's way over your head. Get in your car. Drive in the direction of the setting sun (that's in the afternoon to evening hours). When the sun is not setting, like at night or in the morning, don't drive anywhere. Continue this daily until there is an ocean in front of you (it looks like the biggest puddle you have ever seen). Then, wander out into the water, dunk your head under, and breathe it in deeply 10-20 times. I promise that you will never look for another vacation spot.