Poor Dog...

Dear Keeper of the Knowledge,
I've decided that, in order to be more glamorous like many of Hollywood's Starlets, I'm going to adopt a baby... er... dog. But which color should I go for? I need an expensive, exotic one, but it also needs to go with my outfits. What shade of baby-colored dog is in for the Spring Season? Also, are there steam-punk or vintage options? March is approaching! Help!

Always In (Sincere),
Yuppie Needing a Baby Puppy!

Dear Yuppie,
You truly are a special little snowflake, aren't you? I picture you strolling down the street in your jeggings, fuzzy boots, and an ironically over-sized t-shirt (which you call a tunic because you put a belt over it). The only thing missing in your life is something that will adore you as much as you do. Kudos on recognizing that you need a dog, although I assume that this epiphany struck you only after a long series of failed relationships, wherein you completely mind- and soul-fucked your hapless prey, forever ruining their self-esteem and probably their 401K's.

Before we decide what kind of puppy you should get, let's talk accessories! Since you're such a fucking hipster, you'll want to buy all these items from equally douche-baggy proprietors, and, more importantly, you'll want to make sure that your items are as unique and special as you are! I can tell you can see where I am going with this, but for all the unenlightened folk, here's what you should do: shop at Etsy! It is the perfect marketplace for you to find completely useless items for your pet, such as a bow tie, a top hat, or, god help me, something called a belly band. Once you have completed your purchases, I want you to ask yourself this: Do I, Yuppie McHipsterpants, really want to devote the time and energy that a dog requires? Will I really get up early in the morning every day to feed this thing and clean its crap off my floor? More importantly, how fucking cute will I look carrying it around in a GODDAMN SLING?!

Ah, I see you have decided that you do indeed want a dog, and, you've already bought all the necessary items! I have a few for you to choose from per your stringent standards. Please indulge me:

For all your exotic needs, please consider Rex. He is a free spirit who loves long walks on the beach. Too pedestrian for your needs? Then may I present Loretta. Loretta has a unique genetic profile which allows her to poop colorful egg-shaped pods containing candy! Her natural hot pink crown may not match your outfits, however, so you might like Bugsy, who, due to his shiny black coat, should match your dungeon leather beautifully. For your steampunk needs, please consider Kibbles, who has promised me that he will not pee in your expensive new Uggs. Finally, I have found a vintage dog for you. Her name is Mrs. Paisley, and she thinks you should straighten up your room and wash up before supper.

Well, Yuppie, I hope that I have helped you decide on your new companion, and, if I haven't, you can go straight to hell, whence you and your hipster hordes emerged, burning and pillaging your way across the land.

Baby Factory

Dear Advisor,
I keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities:

1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I must be having virgin births.

2. Tampons turn into babies.

3. This is all a dream!

Pinch me,

Baby factory

Dear Baby Factory,
It IS all a dream! I'm surprised that wasn't possibility #1. Do you by any chance live in Oklahoma?

Here's what you should do: Keep popping those fuckers out. There are a lot of rich, baby-less yuppies out there who would be glad to pay for your "medical expenses", and take the babies off your hands. That way, you won't have to modify your own behavior in any way, which should be easy enough for you. Too much work? Then I suggest you stop giving it up like Jessica's mom at a sailor convention.

Just Like Herding Cats

Oh Wise Sage,

Without going into specifics, my hobby involves bossing a bunch of vaginas around.
I want to be classified as "really good at bossing vaginas around" but when I should have been impressing people with my skills, I instead had an off night and gave a not so great first impression to some really important people who have the authority to grant me that designation.

I need to prove to everyone how awesome I am, and I don't have a lot of time to do it. What should I do?


Dear Unnamed Vaginal Wrangler,
Perhaps you just need more vagina-bossing practice? Here's what you should do: Gather as many vaginas as you can find in a non-stressful environment such as a backyard barbecue or beach party. Then, try bossing them around. It will take you some time to become comfortable with this, as vaginas typically prefer to do the bossing around, but keep trying, and eventually it will become second nature to you. Only when you are confident should you try to boss vaginas around the afore-mentioned authorities. They will see that your skills have improved significantly, and surely you'll receive your coveted designation.

Sasquatch

Dear Adviceary,

My friend, the Arab, looks like a Sasquatch. What should I do? Also
his camel has fangs.

~Scared and hiding in the backwoods


Dear Scared,
I believe your friend, the "Arab", is only posing as an Arab so that you will not suspect that he is, in fact, a Sasquatch. Here's what you should do: get in touch with these people. Perhaps they can come out to meet your friend, make a cast of his foot, or maybe make a life-size statue of him. In any case, you shouldn't be afraid, because everyone except Teddy Roosevelt thinks that Sasquatches are perfectly harmless.
However, I'm afraid that your friend's camel may be el chupacabra, which is highly dangerous. If this is the case (and, for my amusement, I hope it is), I suggest you not get too close to the creature, because it will suck out every last drop of blood from your veins. Perhaps your "Arab" friend can protect you?

Blue Collar Slut

Dear Advice Individual,
I've been getting many a cat call recently, but I'm not dressed all-sexy-like. It always happens when I'm in my work shirt and pants, going to work at the "Spread & Easy" (Butter Factory). Are work shirts in these days? What should I do?
Truly,
NOT A (total) SLUT!


Dear (total) Slut,
Here's what you should do: Put on actual pants. Ass-less chaps are NOT pants.

Also, yes, work shirts are in right now. This is one of the signs of the slowing economy, and may also explain some of the uninvited come-ons that you've received recently. Apparently, jobless men that hang around outside butter factories are turned on by any sign of a job, including the work shirt. Perhaps you should bring your work uniform with you to work and change there?

Mother is a Whore

Dear Advice Giver,

My mother is a whore. She spends more time with the rest of Greater
Davidson County and Surrounding Areas than she does with me. That
makes me sad. What should I do to get her to pay more attention to me?

Sigh,
Sad and Unloved in What Channel 4 Calls Either the "Donelson Area" or
"Antioch", Neither of Which is Correct

Dear Sad and Unloved,
Here's what you should do: While your mother sleeps, suction the gas out of her car, and the money out of her wallet. That way, when she wakes up, she will not be able to go a-whoring. At first, this may cause more trouble in your relationship, but eventually she will resign herself to the fact that you have ultimate power, both gas- and money-related. Soon, she will conform to your will unquestioningly, and your sadness and her recurring crabs will disappear.