Illiterati

deer wize won,

i kant spel. halp! and im amariken, not foren! kan u maek me spel gud?

sin... sins... sinseer...

tnx,

krapy spelr

Dear Crappy,
You are everything that is wrong with this country. Please leave.

If you will not leave, then here's what you should do: become famous, and thereby rich, by being on any reality show. With your mental capacities, I would recommend this one or possibly this one. Once you have achieved your 15 minutes of fame, you will naturally want to spend your new wealth on hookers, or a new car, or as a down payment on an overpriced painting of a cat, but, please, refrain.

Use your riches to hire someone (really, anyone literate) to follow you everywhere you go and do all your reading and writing for you. Just think how much more secure your finances will be when you're no longer signing your checks with an "X"!

Really, though, please leave.

Dream On

Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

I'm afraid I've gotten boring. My dreams are the most humdrum, annoying wastes of time ever. Last night I dreamed about waiting in line to get a parking sticker for school. The night before I dreamed about washing my hair. The night before that I think I dreamed that I went bowling, except that I never got to bowl. Night after night it's the same thing. Short of doing copious amounts of psychedelic drugs, what can I do to spice up my nights? Shit's WEAK.

-The world's worst sleepytime storyteller



Dear Worst Storyteller,
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. According to this bullshit website, your dreams are chock full of meaning and depth. For example, here is their "interpretation" of your dream about waiting in line:

To dream that you are waiting, is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. If you are patient, then you know things will happen at their own pace. If you are impatient, then it means that you are being too demanding or that your expectations are too high.

Fascinating, eh? However, if you really want to have more interesting, vivid, and possibly disturbing dreams, here's what you should do: About 10 minutes before bed, eat a huge steak covered in cheese as fast as you can. Then, do some jumping jacks while thinking about robot unicorns trampling fields of puppies and kittens. Follow this up with a shot of whiskey.
Sweet Dreams!

Hypochondriac

Oh Wise One,

How do I know if I'm a hypochondriac?

~Probably dying but possibly not actually dying

Dear Dying,
You're dying!  It's time to panic!  You're constantly breathing in
bacteria and viruses!


But seriously, here are a few tests to determine whether you are a
hypochondriac:

1. Do you buy ridiculous products to fix your various imagined diseases?

2. Do you endlessly search the interwebz for diagnoses of your potential
illnesses?

3. Do you spend upwards of $40,000 on hypoallergenic pets just so that
you won't develop a sniffle?


If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, you might just be a
redneck hypochondriac.  Here's what you should do:
Come stay at my house for a week.  It would be a win/win situation; you
would know what it's like to truly live in filth, and you'd see that any
possible health effects are (probably) a long way off.  And I might
possibly convince you to do some of my dishes.

I hope this helps, you freak of nature.

Idiot

Dear AdViceroy,
I will soon be departing for France, but I don't speak Portuguese. How can I communicate with these fair and hearty South-East Asian people? My plane leaves for Africa any minute now! Help!
Nervously Biting my Nails,
Nervously Biting my Nails


Dear Biting,
Here's what you should do: Go to this page. On the left-hand side is a list of all the foreign languages available. Buy one of each, and learn how to say "I'm an American idiot" in every one of those languages. Then go wherever it is that you think you're going. I'm sure you'll have no problem making yourself understood no matter where you end up.

Into the Sunset

Dear Adviser of the Advice,
I cannot seem to find San Antonio on my map of the great state of Arizona. Nor can I find Miami in New Mexico. How will I ever take my trip to these summer hot spots? Help!
Lovingly,
Bred in Oklahoma

Dear Bred,
Here's what you should do: Discard your map, because that's way over your head. Get in your car. Drive in the direction of the setting sun (that's in the afternoon to evening hours). When the sun is not setting, like at night or in the morning, don't drive anywhere. Continue this daily until there is an ocean in front of you (it looks like the biggest puddle you have ever seen). Then, wander out into the water, dunk your head under, and breathe it in deeply 10-20 times. I promise that you will never look for another vacation spot.