Baby Factory

Dear Advisor,
I keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities:

1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I must be having virgin births.

2. Tampons turn into babies.

3. This is all a dream!

Pinch me,

Baby factory

Dear Baby Factory,
It IS all a dream! I'm surprised that wasn't possibility #1. Do you by any chance live in Oklahoma?

Here's what you should do: Keep popping those fuckers out. There are a lot of rich, baby-less yuppies out there who would be glad to pay for your "medical expenses", and take the babies off your hands. That way, you won't have to modify your own behavior in any way, which should be easy enough for you. Too much work? Then I suggest you stop giving it up like Jessica's mom at a sailor convention.

Mutation Vacation

Dear awesome advice lady,
First off I think your blog just might save the human race. Secondly I have a predicament. I have been living in this awful place known as Oklahoma for the past 5 months, and have realized that the people here are not only stupid but are breeders. Therefore they are breeding more idiots into our society. I don't necessarily want them all to die but can you think of a way to sterilize this state so they can no longer spawn. With the world being over populated already I think it unfair for these idiots to be overcrowding it with morons.
Please Help!
Surrounded by idiots



Dear Surrounded,
While I am not versed in mass-sterilization techniques, I do have some advice for your situation. Here's what you should do: Actually, here are 3 things you should do:
#1. Have sex with as many backwoods, rural, Oklahoman men (I assume you are a lady, but if you are a gentleman, please ignore this advice and move on to advice point #2) as possible, so that you will insert your non-idiot genes into the local gene pool. This may help with the overall intelligence level of the next generation, but unless you convince these people to stop impregnating their own daughters/sisters/mothers, this will only be a stop-gap measure.
#2. Kick every man you meet in the balls, thereby making their nether regions so uncomfortable that any idea of sex, even with their beloved favorite daughter/sister/mother will be unsavory.
#3. Move the hell away from there, and never speak of it again.


Edit: It has just occurred to this advisor that her significant other is a native of the great state of Oklahoma, and she would like to point out that roses can, indeed, grow in shit (or so I am told).

Mother is a Whore

Dear Advice Giver,

My mother is a whore. She spends more time with the rest of Greater
Davidson County and Surrounding Areas than she does with me. That
makes me sad. What should I do to get her to pay more attention to me?

Sigh,
Sad and Unloved in What Channel 4 Calls Either the "Donelson Area" or
"Antioch", Neither of Which is Correct

Dear Sad and Unloved,
Here's what you should do: While your mother sleeps, suction the gas out of her car, and the money out of her wallet. That way, when she wakes up, she will not be able to go a-whoring. At first, this may cause more trouble in your relationship, but eventually she will resign herself to the fact that you have ultimate power, both gas- and money-related. Soon, she will conform to your will unquestioningly, and your sadness and her recurring crabs will disappear.