Kung Fool

Dear Dispenser of Discretion,
I tried to use Kung Fu recently, but realized that I didn't have any. What should I do?
Truly,
Kung Fool

Dear Kung Fool,
I like to think of Kung Fu as more of a state of mind rather than something you can have. Can you have perfect calm and serenity? Can you have an unmitigated desire for kickassery wrought by the very limbs that just the other day caused you to fall down a flight of 2 stairs on your way to walk your tiny dog with a bow in its hair? No! Such is the enigma of Kung Fu. I believe that instead of trying to find and then attain this fighting style, you should first try to prepare your mind to receive the wisdom of the... something.
So... here's what you should do: First, find some sort of calming natural space, such as a meadow, or a waterfall, or a mountain or whatever. Then, sit with your legs crossed and eyes closed for several hours until your ancestors appear with some insight about why you should learn to fight (it will probably be something about avenging your father, or grandfather, or, like, dentist). After your meditation, you should find a really old Chinese or possibly Japanese man, preferably one who runs an old antique shop. There you will find an adorable, furry creature that you must take care of, but make sure to never get water on it or... Wait, that's the wrong movie.
After meeting the old man, you should do some chores for him, such as washing his car and painting his fence. Eventually, if you do these chores well and without too much complaining, he will teach you the secrets of Kung Fu, and then you can use it whenever you want, because it will be ALL YOURS, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ahem.

Sasquatch

Dear Adviceary,

My friend, the Arab, looks like a Sasquatch. What should I do? Also
his camel has fangs.

~Scared and hiding in the backwoods


Dear Scared,
I believe your friend, the "Arab", is only posing as an Arab so that you will not suspect that he is, in fact, a Sasquatch. Here's what you should do: get in touch with these people. Perhaps they can come out to meet your friend, make a cast of his foot, or maybe make a life-size statue of him. In any case, you shouldn't be afraid, because everyone except Teddy Roosevelt thinks that Sasquatches are perfectly harmless.
However, I'm afraid that your friend's camel may be el chupacabra, which is highly dangerous. If this is the case (and, for my amusement, I hope it is), I suggest you not get too close to the creature, because it will suck out every last drop of blood from your veins. Perhaps your "Arab" friend can protect you?