Poor Dog...

Dear Keeper of the Knowledge,
I've decided that, in order to be more glamorous like many of Hollywood's Starlets, I'm going to adopt a baby... er... dog. But which color should I go for? I need an expensive, exotic one, but it also needs to go with my outfits. What shade of baby-colored dog is in for the Spring Season? Also, are there steam-punk or vintage options? March is approaching! Help!

Always In (Sincere),
Yuppie Needing a Baby Puppy!

Dear Yuppie,
You truly are a special little snowflake, aren't you? I picture you strolling down the street in your jeggings, fuzzy boots, and an ironically over-sized t-shirt (which you call a tunic because you put a belt over it). The only thing missing in your life is something that will adore you as much as you do. Kudos on recognizing that you need a dog, although I assume that this epiphany struck you only after a long series of failed relationships, wherein you completely mind- and soul-fucked your hapless prey, forever ruining their self-esteem and probably their 401K's.

Before we decide what kind of puppy you should get, let's talk accessories! Since you're such a fucking hipster, you'll want to buy all these items from equally douche-baggy proprietors, and, more importantly, you'll want to make sure that your items are as unique and special as you are! I can tell you can see where I am going with this, but for all the unenlightened folk, here's what you should do: shop at Etsy! It is the perfect marketplace for you to find completely useless items for your pet, such as a bow tie, a top hat, or, god help me, something called a belly band. Once you have completed your purchases, I want you to ask yourself this: Do I, Yuppie McHipsterpants, really want to devote the time and energy that a dog requires? Will I really get up early in the morning every day to feed this thing and clean its crap off my floor? More importantly, how fucking cute will I look carrying it around in a GODDAMN SLING?!

Ah, I see you have decided that you do indeed want a dog, and, you've already bought all the necessary items! I have a few for you to choose from per your stringent standards. Please indulge me:

For all your exotic needs, please consider Rex. He is a free spirit who loves long walks on the beach. Too pedestrian for your needs? Then may I present Loretta. Loretta has a unique genetic profile which allows her to poop colorful egg-shaped pods containing candy! Her natural hot pink crown may not match your outfits, however, so you might like Bugsy, who, due to his shiny black coat, should match your dungeon leather beautifully. For your steampunk needs, please consider Kibbles, who has promised me that he will not pee in your expensive new Uggs. Finally, I have found a vintage dog for you. Her name is Mrs. Paisley, and she thinks you should straighten up your room and wash up before supper.

Well, Yuppie, I hope that I have helped you decide on your new companion, and, if I haven't, you can go straight to hell, whence you and your hipster hordes emerged, burning and pillaging your way across the land.

Illiterati

deer wize won,

i kant spel. halp! and im amariken, not foren! kan u maek me spel gud?

sin... sins... sinseer...

tnx,

krapy spelr

Dear Crappy,
You are everything that is wrong with this country. Please leave.

If you will not leave, then here's what you should do: become famous, and thereby rich, by being on any reality show. With your mental capacities, I would recommend this one or possibly this one. Once you have achieved your 15 minutes of fame, you will naturally want to spend your new wealth on hookers, or a new car, or as a down payment on an overpriced painting of a cat, but, please, refrain.

Use your riches to hire someone (really, anyone literate) to follow you everywhere you go and do all your reading and writing for you. Just think how much more secure your finances will be when you're no longer signing your checks with an "X"!

Really, though, please leave.

Dream On

Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,

I'm afraid I've gotten boring. My dreams are the most humdrum, annoying wastes of time ever. Last night I dreamed about waiting in line to get a parking sticker for school. The night before I dreamed about washing my hair. The night before that I think I dreamed that I went bowling, except that I never got to bowl. Night after night it's the same thing. Short of doing copious amounts of psychedelic drugs, what can I do to spice up my nights? Shit's WEAK.

-The world's worst sleepytime storyteller



Dear Worst Storyteller,
I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. According to this bullshit website, your dreams are chock full of meaning and depth. For example, here is their "interpretation" of your dream about waiting in line:

To dream that you are waiting, is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. If you are patient, then you know things will happen at their own pace. If you are impatient, then it means that you are being too demanding or that your expectations are too high.

Fascinating, eh? However, if you really want to have more interesting, vivid, and possibly disturbing dreams, here's what you should do: About 10 minutes before bed, eat a huge steak covered in cheese as fast as you can. Then, do some jumping jacks while thinking about robot unicorns trampling fields of puppies and kittens. Follow this up with a shot of whiskey.
Sweet Dreams!

Hypochondriac

Oh Wise One,

How do I know if I'm a hypochondriac?

~Probably dying but possibly not actually dying

Dear Dying,
You're dying!  It's time to panic!  You're constantly breathing in
bacteria and viruses!


But seriously, here are a few tests to determine whether you are a
hypochondriac:

1. Do you buy ridiculous products to fix your various imagined diseases?

2. Do you endlessly search the interwebz for diagnoses of your potential
illnesses?

3. Do you spend upwards of $40,000 on hypoallergenic pets just so that
you won't develop a sniffle?


If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, you might just be a
redneck hypochondriac.  Here's what you should do:
Come stay at my house for a week.  It would be a win/win situation; you
would know what it's like to truly live in filth, and you'd see that any
possible health effects are (probably) a long way off.  And I might
possibly convince you to do some of my dishes.

I hope this helps, you freak of nature.

Kung Fool

Dear Dispenser of Discretion,
I tried to use Kung Fu recently, but realized that I didn't have any. What should I do?
Truly,
Kung Fool

Dear Kung Fool,
I like to think of Kung Fu as more of a state of mind rather than something you can have. Can you have perfect calm and serenity? Can you have an unmitigated desire for kickassery wrought by the very limbs that just the other day caused you to fall down a flight of 2 stairs on your way to walk your tiny dog with a bow in its hair? No! Such is the enigma of Kung Fu. I believe that instead of trying to find and then attain this fighting style, you should first try to prepare your mind to receive the wisdom of the... something.
So... here's what you should do: First, find some sort of calming natural space, such as a meadow, or a waterfall, or a mountain or whatever. Then, sit with your legs crossed and eyes closed for several hours until your ancestors appear with some insight about why you should learn to fight (it will probably be something about avenging your father, or grandfather, or, like, dentist). After your meditation, you should find a really old Chinese or possibly Japanese man, preferably one who runs an old antique shop. There you will find an adorable, furry creature that you must take care of, but make sure to never get water on it or... Wait, that's the wrong movie.
After meeting the old man, you should do some chores for him, such as washing his car and painting his fence. Eventually, if you do these chores well and without too much complaining, he will teach you the secrets of Kung Fu, and then you can use it whenever you want, because it will be ALL YOURS, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ahem.

Baby Factory 2

Dear Advisor,
I have a similar problem to another one of your readers, apparently. I
also keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I'm a man, and a
eunuch at that. How is this happening? I've narrowed it down to a few
possibilities:
1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I
must be having virgin births.
2. Buttplugs turn into babies.
3. This is all a dream!
Lip my stockings,
Baby factory


Dear Factory,
Are you sure that you're actually a man? Do you remember when you became a eunuch? The reason I ask these probing questions is that I suspect you may actually be a really ugly chick.
Here's what you should do: Look deep inside your soul, and ask yourself if maybe you've been living a lie. Maybe what you think is your asshole is actually a vagina? And, maybe that cucumber you keep in your pocket isn't actually a penis? Just think about it for a while. In the meantime, I would recommend that you get one of these ASAP. It could only help. Seriously.

Baby Factory

Dear Advisor,
I keep getting pregnant! I can't figure out why. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities:

1. Even though I have unprotected sex with strange men all the time, I must be having virgin births.

2. Tampons turn into babies.

3. This is all a dream!

Pinch me,

Baby factory

Dear Baby Factory,
It IS all a dream! I'm surprised that wasn't possibility #1. Do you by any chance live in Oklahoma?

Here's what you should do: Keep popping those fuckers out. There are a lot of rich, baby-less yuppies out there who would be glad to pay for your "medical expenses", and take the babies off your hands. That way, you won't have to modify your own behavior in any way, which should be easy enough for you. Too much work? Then I suggest you stop giving it up like Jessica's mom at a sailor convention.

Under the Influence

Dear Knower of Knowledge,

I keep getting DUI's. How can I have this strange "No drinking and driving" rule not apply to me? Please respond before I get my 12th... er... 15th!

Swerving out of control,

Can't See Straight

Dear Can't See Straight,
Here's what you should do: Every time you feel like drinking, just drink until you pass out. Then you won't have to worry about driving. You might die, but at least you won't have to pay any more outrageous tickets.
Another option is to drive so fast that the cops won't be able to catch you to give you a DUI. Whenever you see flashing blue lights, just hit the gas! (CAUTION: This may also cause you to die)

Just Like Herding Cats

Oh Wise Sage,

Without going into specifics, my hobby involves bossing a bunch of vaginas around.
I want to be classified as "really good at bossing vaginas around" but when I should have been impressing people with my skills, I instead had an off night and gave a not so great first impression to some really important people who have the authority to grant me that designation.

I need to prove to everyone how awesome I am, and I don't have a lot of time to do it. What should I do?


Dear Unnamed Vaginal Wrangler,
Perhaps you just need more vagina-bossing practice? Here's what you should do: Gather as many vaginas as you can find in a non-stressful environment such as a backyard barbecue or beach party. Then, try bossing them around. It will take you some time to become comfortable with this, as vaginas typically prefer to do the bossing around, but keep trying, and eventually it will become second nature to you. Only when you are confident should you try to boss vaginas around the afore-mentioned authorities. They will see that your skills have improved significantly, and surely you'll receive your coveted designation.

Idiot

Dear AdViceroy,
I will soon be departing for France, but I don't speak Portuguese. How can I communicate with these fair and hearty South-East Asian people? My plane leaves for Africa any minute now! Help!
Nervously Biting my Nails,
Nervously Biting my Nails


Dear Biting,
Here's what you should do: Go to this page. On the left-hand side is a list of all the foreign languages available. Buy one of each, and learn how to say "I'm an American idiot" in every one of those languages. Then go wherever it is that you think you're going. I'm sure you'll have no problem making yourself understood no matter where you end up.

Sasquatch

Dear Adviceary,

My friend, the Arab, looks like a Sasquatch. What should I do? Also
his camel has fangs.

~Scared and hiding in the backwoods


Dear Scared,
I believe your friend, the "Arab", is only posing as an Arab so that you will not suspect that he is, in fact, a Sasquatch. Here's what you should do: get in touch with these people. Perhaps they can come out to meet your friend, make a cast of his foot, or maybe make a life-size statue of him. In any case, you shouldn't be afraid, because everyone except Teddy Roosevelt thinks that Sasquatches are perfectly harmless.
However, I'm afraid that your friend's camel may be el chupacabra, which is highly dangerous. If this is the case (and, for my amusement, I hope it is), I suggest you not get too close to the creature, because it will suck out every last drop of blood from your veins. Perhaps your "Arab" friend can protect you?

Into the Sunset

Dear Adviser of the Advice,
I cannot seem to find San Antonio on my map of the great state of Arizona. Nor can I find Miami in New Mexico. How will I ever take my trip to these summer hot spots? Help!
Lovingly,
Bred in Oklahoma

Dear Bred,
Here's what you should do: Discard your map, because that's way over your head. Get in your car. Drive in the direction of the setting sun (that's in the afternoon to evening hours). When the sun is not setting, like at night or in the morning, don't drive anywhere. Continue this daily until there is an ocean in front of you (it looks like the biggest puddle you have ever seen). Then, wander out into the water, dunk your head under, and breathe it in deeply 10-20 times. I promise that you will never look for another vacation spot.

Mutation Vacation

Dear awesome advice lady,
First off I think your blog just might save the human race. Secondly I have a predicament. I have been living in this awful place known as Oklahoma for the past 5 months, and have realized that the people here are not only stupid but are breeders. Therefore they are breeding more idiots into our society. I don't necessarily want them all to die but can you think of a way to sterilize this state so they can no longer spawn. With the world being over populated already I think it unfair for these idiots to be overcrowding it with morons.
Please Help!
Surrounded by idiots



Dear Surrounded,
While I am not versed in mass-sterilization techniques, I do have some advice for your situation. Here's what you should do: Actually, here are 3 things you should do:
#1. Have sex with as many backwoods, rural, Oklahoman men (I assume you are a lady, but if you are a gentleman, please ignore this advice and move on to advice point #2) as possible, so that you will insert your non-idiot genes into the local gene pool. This may help with the overall intelligence level of the next generation, but unless you convince these people to stop impregnating their own daughters/sisters/mothers, this will only be a stop-gap measure.
#2. Kick every man you meet in the balls, thereby making their nether regions so uncomfortable that any idea of sex, even with their beloved favorite daughter/sister/mother will be unsavory.
#3. Move the hell away from there, and never speak of it again.


Edit: It has just occurred to this advisor that her significant other is a native of the great state of Oklahoma, and she would like to point out that roses can, indeed, grow in shit (or so I am told).

Blue Collar Slut

Dear Advice Individual,
I've been getting many a cat call recently, but I'm not dressed all-sexy-like. It always happens when I'm in my work shirt and pants, going to work at the "Spread & Easy" (Butter Factory). Are work shirts in these days? What should I do?
Truly,
NOT A (total) SLUT!


Dear (total) Slut,
Here's what you should do: Put on actual pants. Ass-less chaps are NOT pants.

Also, yes, work shirts are in right now. This is one of the signs of the slowing economy, and may also explain some of the uninvited come-ons that you've received recently. Apparently, jobless men that hang around outside butter factories are turned on by any sign of a job, including the work shirt. Perhaps you should bring your work uniform with you to work and change there?

My Mind is My Enema

Dear Advice Person,
My friend told me about butt leakage, and how terrifying it is. So naturally, I took the initiative to prevent such a traumatic experience. If there is nothing in your butt, there is nothing to leak our, right? Right? So I came to the conclusion: enemas make things in your butt disappear. I took about a half dozen before work, and daintily skipped off to my investment firm, confident in my anal cavity's cavernous state.
Much to my dismay, as I was making fun of the mail boy's lack of sufficient breeding, I noticed a wetness that was... intimidating. It started small, but turned into a veritable Niagara. In an effort to prevent this from happening ever again, I've been taking countless enemas, but the butt leakage is stronger than the enemas' magic. what can I do?
Sincerely,
Keeping it tight


Dear Keeping it Tight,
That's gross. Here's what you should do: Forget the enemas, and invest in one of these, thereby preventing fecal matter from entering the lower portion of your colon at all. Granted, you're going to have to strap a crap-bag to your abdomen, but you can't win 'em all, right?

Mother is a Whore

Dear Advice Giver,

My mother is a whore. She spends more time with the rest of Greater
Davidson County and Surrounding Areas than she does with me. That
makes me sad. What should I do to get her to pay more attention to me?

Sigh,
Sad and Unloved in What Channel 4 Calls Either the "Donelson Area" or
"Antioch", Neither of Which is Correct

Dear Sad and Unloved,
Here's what you should do: While your mother sleeps, suction the gas out of her car, and the money out of her wallet. That way, when she wakes up, she will not be able to go a-whoring. At first, this may cause more trouble in your relationship, but eventually she will resign herself to the fact that you have ultimate power, both gas- and money-related. Soon, she will conform to your will unquestioningly, and your sadness and her recurring crabs will disappear.

How it Works

Here's how it works:
You e-mail me a question (hereswhatyoushoulddo@live.com) about anything in your life. If I'm able and/or willing, I will answer that question on this blog. You should know I have no training except my own experiences and my over-analytical mind. You should also know that I refuse to take responsibility for your actions, even if I tell you that's what you should do.

I am waiting (as) patiently (as I can) for your questions.